24 days until 26 &

24 days until 26 & i miss who i was before i became self-aware of my trauma. i miss who i was before exhaustion imbedded itself into my bones & made a permanent home in the decay.

i've been depressed & sleepless. if i push myself to stay awake, there's little time to dream. there's little time for my nightmares to fester. 

there's a deep longing for the person i was before i became self-aware of my trauma & resentment towards those who have acted as catalysts for the reckoning simmers. i don't miss the absence of the pain but rather, how i didn't know how deeply destructive it could be. i miss the tint of the rose coloured glasses & how they made everything look so much softer because at least then, there was still colour.

i know this is just the depression speaking but there are so many days i wake up benumbed by the fact that i am still here. how the hell did i make it 9,473 days? as if i don't already know the answer is something something mumbled about self preservation or spite or morbid curiosity something something i'm a people-pleaser to an extent but maybe it is simply the fact that i can't go to sleep until i see the sunrise & by then, it is already tomorrow. 

these last two years have been full of discovery in a surrealistic sense. i've been asking myself "who am i outside of my trauma?" but i suppose the question should be "who am i with it?" as my physical health also evolves, is there room for compassion to sit with all of the grief? perhaps i am most afraid of abandoning myself so i carry all of this with me from apartment to apartment and room to room to couch to couch to couch to therapist to therapist to myself & back again. i am no longer afraid of losing myself. i consider that progress.

i've made my peace with the shadows & the smoke from the fire still burning. i've met my anger & nursed my rage. i know what morals i stand firmly on & what bricks have my back when i need to lean against something. i've written eulogies for the memories i've buried & painted portraits of the ones i've resurrected. & still, i am out with lanterns lookinibg for myself.

there are 24 days until i turn 26 & today in therapy, i told her how i am afraid of drowning & also find so much comfort in the fact that you can only sink for so long until you hit the bottom. there is a definitive point after which you stop falling.

just so this random lil super introspective post doesn't seem so random, every ehhh 2 years or so i write a reflection & share it on my personal Facebook page. i think i initially started it to reflect on "big" milestones but it's evolved into a way for me to reflect & track where i've been & what's been going on in the world. this year i zoomed in close on my trauma processing & how it's more or less changed my entire perspective of who i am & how i've been moving through the world. ok thanks byeeeee go drink some water!